The last month or so I just realized that I’ve been feeling slowly more and more out of control.

I’ve been happy overall, but underneath has been frustration, loneliness, jealousy, and anger. I realize now that I’m not taking care of myself particularly well. I don’t sleep well nor enough, and when I do, I’m crashing and sleeping too much, waking up groggy. My usual ease going to sleep is being replaced with angry tossing and turning.

Loneliness is coming from my frustrations connecting deeply with people. I feel unequal. I have no privacy, no space to myself, and so I’m spending much of my effort trying to connect with people while maintaining distance. It’s not working and it’s pretty self-defeating.

I’m not eating well, because the kitchen’s usually too much of a mess and too crowded to work in.

I think I know what I need to do. I’m just not sure I want to.

I think I just did some of the crazy things I thought I didn’t tend to do out of jealousy. Oops.

Joy of joys today: I found three pairs of pants my size. That’s the catch of the year at the thrift shop. I also got a faux suede jacket that I thought wouldn’t fit me in a million years, but I had to try on anyway. It fit.

I got my garden planted finally.

Procrastination pays off, though. We had an unseasonably late frost last week.

I hate it when I hang out with one group of friends and neglect the other while knowing that if they were in the same place, everyone would be having more fun.

There are a lot of people I admire, but there are very few I find so consistently eloquent as whisperchild.

I wish everyone in the world understood what she can express.

A customer of mine just made my week.

Hello [boyname],

I have been wanting to say something to you for days now and never get to.

I hope you don’t mind if I say that I saw you at the park a few days ago with some friends and I thought you looked beautiful. Blessings. May you burst into flowers.

[customer]

That’s even better than it was, listening to Ani and sending bills.

I got my sister hooked too.

apollotiger on internet dating as portrayed in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: “Oh, I had that happen once, except without the demon!”

One hell of a good show.

I’m going to Quo Vadis! I finally put in the application, not a day too late.

Note to self: you get drunker with each drink you drink, not each drink you buy.

There are some unabashed Joss Whedon fans in my friendslist. You know who you are, anandabrat and jazkharma and whetherwoman and spxoon. And just so you know, I hate you. Because I am now addicted to Buffy. After one episode. One episode from the supposedly mediocre first season.

P. S. Willow is really cute.

P.P. S. I also have the unreleased pilot episode if anyone wants it.

Getting up early today was so worth it: I got a ride in a hot air balloon.

I got to help ground crew, and then ride in this balloon:

The view was fantastic —

I am listening to the Firefly soundtrack as I finish my work, and I am so going to go get myself addicted to this show.