The last month or so I just realized that I’ve been feeling slowly more and more out of control.

I’ve been happy overall, but underneath has been frustration, loneliness, jealousy, and anger. I realize now that I’m not taking care of myself particularly well. I don’t sleep well nor enough, and when I do, I’m crashing and sleeping too much, waking up groggy. My usual ease going to sleep is being replaced with angry tossing and turning.

Loneliness is coming from my frustrations connecting deeply with people. I feel unequal. I have no privacy, no space to myself, and so I’m spending much of my effort trying to connect with people while maintaining distance. It’s not working and it’s pretty self-defeating.

I’m not eating well, because the kitchen’s usually too much of a mess and too crowded to work in.

I think I know what I need to do. I’m just not sure I want to.