My mood is swinging all over the place tonight. I should probably go eat, but I want to revel in actually being somewhere other than 80% tonight. I’m sad, just in general at the moment. I miss Carrie, and I miss Robyn and I miss Tessa tonight.
Last night, Tessa and I talked — really talked for the first time since we broke up. It felt like a huge piece of myself that I’d held in reserve came out. It was good to see. Sometimes I forget who I am. It’s good to be reminded.
I hate the words “Broke up”. They have never felt right to me to describe things. It’s too simple. The world is not that simple. My world is not that simple. I never let go, quite — I let myself take my favorite parts of my favorite people and carry them with me like a locket. From Tessa, I take the caring so intensely about others, and living with intensity even so, not becoming a servant to others wishes. You can’t break up, to sever the connection as if it were never there. There’s something deeper, a lasting connection. If you wait it out and don’t build the walls around it too high, sometimes you realize that it changes and there’s something else there. Things change. People change.
I’m deeply sad at the moment. I look back and can’t think I really know who I am. I spend a lot of time just fighting being what I’m not. I want to just go and run and grow and change, fast.
I’m scared to reach out and change. It’s so easy to retreat into being safe, doing what I know (and what I’m good and and like, even). I want to cut loose and be free. I want that to be possible.
I think maybe that when I look in the mirror, I see my evil twin. And I envy her.