We are deprived of our senses. At once we are numbed by overstimulation, and left senseless by isolation. Our sense of touch is wrapped in clothes that never let us feel the motion of air, the brush of things we walk past, grass and stone and dirt under foot, and we hide in houses from rain and wind. Our vision is bombarded by bright lights and flashing movement everywhere, constantly passing cars keep our attentions shifting and our focus falters.

There is a constant barrage of noise from fans and heat-pumps, traffic and city-sounds. It’s mind numbingly overwhelming. We adapt, we stop feeling the detail, but we’ve lost fidelity.

The most deeply felt and most clearly remembered moments in my life are where my senses are woken, the noise gone for long enough to let me turn the coping filters of life off, and experience the raw sensation fully.

One such moment is after a sweat-lodge, where after an hour of intense heat and humidity in near-total darkness, mostly surrounded by people sitting still, not making noise, I stepped out and lay in the grass. I could feel every blade, and then water poured on me from above to cool off was the most intense sensation I have ever experienced, every drop registered separately, and the boundary between senses was completely gone. The impact of the drops wasn’t just felt but heard, seen and tasted. It’s not that I saw the impact, but that the memory of the event is visual and auditory, not just of touch. I have a suspicion that such synaesthesia is normal in human development, but turned off by overstimulation, the brain trying to cope with too many inputs to be able to interpret any with full clarity.

I wonder if the feeling of being numbed either by overstimulation or by isolation interacts with sexuality — how much is just wanting touch? How much fulfillment can we get just by interacting more carefully and fully with our environment, getting rid of the noise and focusing on the important things fully?

lypanov asks:

1\. which do you prefer: waking up, sleeping, or going to bed?

It's a toss-up between waking up and going to bed. I love transitions in general, and I usually go to bed when so tired that falling in feels really good. Getting up is fun when it goes right, but lately I've slept in too much and been rushed. I should fix that.

2\. whats your next big goal?

To get wheels — I'm looking at motorcycles and pondering getting some freedom to travel. That involves getting somewhat free of the business. Hiring dad was a critical first step, and that's helped a lot. Next, get the cashflow up, and get some time in other places in.

3\. do you prefer to be alone and productive, or out having fun with friends?

Out with a friend, singular, maybe two is my favorite, and in and being productive after that. Groups really don't entice me in any way. I really like a balance, since I do my best thinking when I'm with other people.

<dt>
    4\. what do you think friends respect most in you?

I wish I honestly knew, actually.

5\. and now for a silly one, what is your favourite typeface, why?

I can’t say I have just one favorite. I really like Georgia for its strong but well-hinted design. The strong serifs and wide glyphs are at the edge of what’s possible to make look really good. That’s enticingly different. I have a soft spot for the italic from Times New Roman, though I’ve since found details in other forms I like better. I really like Adobe’s typefaces. Caslon especially is elegant, though its form is lost on-screen.

I’m still seeking the perfect typeface for internationalized use. Accents and some characters like ł and ß look terribly out of place in most typefaces, obviously afterthoughts. Of all the broad-coverage faces I’ve seen, Gentium is the only that I like in a variety of languages. If I were to typeset using more than one European language in mixed paragraphs, it would be among my first choices.

All this coming from someone who gets to do type design work nearly never, but who loves watching handwriting and letterforms everywhere.

The right face is situational, a matter of setting, not of personal preference. If it’s 1200dpi laser-printed type on white bond paper, I can think of a handful. If it’s sinage for an industrial complex, none of those would be right. On-screen, the choices are far more limited.

</dd>

branwen asks:

1\. What is your very favourite childhood memory, and what makes it so special to you?

Sitting on the porch with my dad, watching a thunderstorm. We'd huddle under this particular blanket and just be close. He'd drink a maté and we'd listen to the thunder, smell the rain, and smell the drink.

2\. What got you into coding/programming?

Having it be there, always in my life — it's always been something to focus on, something intriguing and artistic and creative. And the sound of the keys on the TI99/4a was particularly pleasant.

3\. What was the best trip you've ever gone on?

In 1998, I went to England with the theater group. We did improv shows in two schools, a performance of Antigone, and I ran the lights for the adult's show. We toured Bournemouth, Poole, Christchurch, Bath, Avebury and Salsbury. I learned more about myself on that trip than I can possibly describe, and enjoyed it very, very much.

4\. What skill of yours are you most proud of?

The ability to see what people are really feeling despite both attempts to hide it and practiced façades.

5\. What was your first word as a baby?

The ever boring "mama". I'll have to ask what I said next — I don't know.

Someone sent a donation to help cover the costs of running the NBTSC.org community server, and perhaps work toward getting more disk space and RAM … and their check number was 1337. ‘leet!

Thank you!

The future might just involve seeing scary vampire movies in the theater, motorcycles and a trip to Europe, more drawings and cello than I have of late, more holding hands, a clean house, late-night walks, and an end to fear of calling people I want to talk to on the phone.

I just spent far too long already playing my favorite game of yore, or at least its fantastic remake, Wing Commander: Privateer Remake. Many a night and day were surrendered to making the original run on my 386 with my funky Covox sound hardware. (Mmm, 8 bit μ-law!) I was really glad there were no actual human characters worth anything. It made it really easy to just ignore and shoot spaceships strategically. One day I’ll have to learn how to edit the save files for the remake, too, just to relive the cheating I loved.

I can count the number of phone conversations I have truly, deeply enjoyed using just my fingers. Tonight was one.

horseygurl88 asks:

1\. If you could change one event in your childhood, what would it be?

I'd have stopped being so self-concious in the library. I was afraid to talk to a couple of the librarians because I'd said something in a silly way once. It was such a silly event, but I remember it so deeply.

2\. You're having a dinner party, and can invite any number of people — living or dead. Who would be your top ten invitees?

Albert Einstein, Isaac Asimov, Mary Pipher, Leslie Feinberg, John Holt, Grace Llewellyn, Vernor Vinge, and Diane Duane. Notice that they're all highly socially aware people who are good with the written word.

3\. What led you decide upon Ari(a) as your name?

Aredridel was the origin. My first online moniker was terribly unncomfortable for a fair number of reasons, so I picked Aredridel as a way to escape some assumptions about my gender, and it’s something that’s stayed with me as I’ve grown. It’s impossible to say aloud, though, so Ari is the natural shortening of that.

Aria is, I think, quite possibly the final change. I like its meaning, and I like its sound.

4\. What music brings you to somewhere in your past?

Nearly all of my favorites. Dar Williams _When I Was A Boy_ reminds me of the past five years. The Shrek soundtrack reminds me of working at Wondermill, and some late nights crying then. There's more and more and more, but those are two highlights.

5\. What is your favorite article of clothing?

My green floral shirt. It's just the right mix of ugly and beautiful and fits me right. I'm starting to like more and more of my wardrobe, though.

saromiaasks questions. I answer.

question the first: if you were a non-human animal, what would you have? as in, a tail for swinging, long legs for running, fur for being warm, wings for flying...? and why?

I'd be long in the leg — Running has always been my natural mode of travel. I'd have soft, fine, short fur if I had any at all. Sleek smoothness has always been the most comfortable to me. And bat-wings. I'd love to be able to pick myself up off the ground on many occasions. I'd probably use them like a flying squirrel — not so much to fly, but more to fall with style.

question the second: what scares you about angry people?

Truly angry with me is so rare I can't say I know. Angry in general just scares me because I know they could do so much more than be angry all the time. That there is such waste scares me.

question the third: what is one kitchen item you could not live without? (other than a good sharp knife or some other practical thing.) why?

My tools are minimal: Suribachi, Knife, cutting board, a pan and a pot. I don't use much else, really. The more pans and pots I have, the more I can do at once, but other than that, I am entirely minimalist.

question the fourth: did you have a hiding place when you were little? where was it?

My dad built us these great beds, built into the walls. Mine I walled off underneath and made a space about three feet high to hide in and stay cool. It was really really good to have.

question the fifth: who is someone you look up to right now?

At the moment, surprisingly enough, I am really looking up to raijna. She's challenged the way I think enough to really make me respect how she works.

If you want me to ask you questions, reply and I’ll create you some.

• Use it.
• Try to feel out the author’s intent so that you can use the software effectively, or understand why it is the way it is fully. Knowing some of the culture is helpful in this.
• Don’t take things personally. This is software that pleases its authors, and for all the talk of taking over the world, the best bits are the ones that please their authors or are culturally useful.
• If it breaks, see if you can fix it. Got an error message you want to know what it means? grep and the source are your friend. It’s not that scary. Just look. You might figure it out on your own. You’ll have more respect from those you ask if you don’t figure it out, too.
• There’s great tools for getting an idea how things work. Use them. Want to know for sure where a process is looking for a config file? strace -e open theprogram will tell you authoritatively. If your software has the option to install debug info, gdb beomes really useful too. If you start persuing the problems you have as if you intend to fix them, you will get quite a lot of respect — and help. You won’t be seen as a leech, and that’s a good thing.
• Talk to people. If you have an idea, sketch it out clearly and send it on to the author. If you find a bug, talk about it. Understand whether it’s a technical problem, expectations problem, interface or library. Those are valuable things to know in a discussion.
• Accept that a few things suck pretty universally: Network setup scripts, modem drivers, and many pieces of cheap-ass hardware. Also, for reasons of manufacturer stupidity, 802.11g cards and many printers are broken by design. Don’t expect them to work. You get what you pay for, and that it works in Windows is an accident. They usually don’t work well there either. Spending a little for quality hardware is a wise investment. Open software just makes the choice a little more obvious.
• Remember that a lot of people do this for their own personal gratification — some like helping others. Some like to code. But their time is theirs, and asking them to help you, specifically, as if you are the most important thing in their life might be asking a lot. This list is about how to be important enough to matter. It’s not hard — most hackers love to talk to smart people — but if you look like you just want to take answers and not share, you’ll have better luck trying to squeeze information out of a rock.

seawitch asks:

1\. What in your life would you go back & do differently?

I'd have been better to both anandabrat and lightwalker. That relationship had ups and downs, and the downs could have been way more caring.

2\. What's been the most life-changing event in your life?

The slow transition getting more and more girlish. I've stopped being the sad teenager, depressed in her apartment, not really knowing how to live well, to now having a good idea what makes her happy, owning her own business, and growing into being an independent young woman, who's now had some successful relationships.

3\. What breaks your heart?

Remembering the look on upna's face as she said she was going to miss the mountains.

4\. Math or house chores?

I'll pick math every time, even if I enjoy washing dishes far more. I wish I could fix that habit.

5\. When was the last time you woke up smiling?

I had a waking dream of raijna as I woke a few days ago. It made my morning start off so wonderfully well.

I’d love to pass this on. Ask me, and I’ll give you five questions just for you.

One day, I will learn to not eat sugar. Ever. A teaspoon in coffee is fine, any more and I will be anxious nearly to the point of crying. I will learn this. Apparently, not today, though.

This evening, I had dinner with my brother and a friend of his. I hope his life looks up as much as it has the potential to. He’s out of jail, has a full scholarship to two years of college. He’s planning to go to a community college in Trinidad. If he can pull it off and not fuck up, his life could be out of the shitter. I hope he does it.

My dream this morning was the most bizarre set of images I have ever seen.

It started with me leaving some stereotypically Coloradoan house — built on stilts and into a mountain — and getting into my little red wagon and coasting toward home. The road grew steeper and narrower, resembling a bike path more than a road, though it skirted the edge of high cliffs. Political signage sprung up in the opposite lane, signs four feet apart, animating messages in the rapidly flashing by frames. Oncoming traffic would dodge into my lane to avoid taking out the signage. Mostly large vehicles (though what is not large when you’re doing seventy miles per hour in a little red wagon with wooden sides and no helmet). A customer of mine came up behind me, looking angry, alternately riding a silver bicycle and a silver Porsche. She tried to run me into the ditch on my side of the road.

I woke up in a sweat, heart racing and absolutely exhausted. My bedsheets smelled of fear and anxiety.

Today was unusual, at least. The rain, combined with a clogged culvert, filled the patio of Cimarron Books with about 5,000 gallons of water, and the interior of the coffeeshop had six inches of standing water, kept in check only by Caithlin’s bailing it out the window with a bucket. So much for my usual routine of getting four shots of espresso in the worst of inclement weather.

Like all things built by he-who-shall-remain-nameless, the Chipeta where I was working leaks like a seive when it rains hard, just like my house. Ah, the house that Jack built…

My laptop power supply got damp, so Acrux will be out of commission until I either buy the spare I’ve been meaning to get, or it dries out. Not a huge problem, but annoying. The phone system I built for the Chipeta made it through just fine, but I lost a port on my router, and on the switch at work due to voltage surges. It was totally worth it for the water and light show we got this afternoon, though.

This evening, I watched the video that I converted to DVD for ftmichael. I nearly cried. I’ve never seen transgender issues dealt with so delicately in mainstream media. Kudos to Oprah for some real tenderness during interviews.