I got up at eight this morning, wide awake even though I was up past three. I went to the coffeeshop and talked to the barista for a while. I’m still digesting last night’s experience and I’m not entirely sure how I feel yet. I ended up staying until the bar closed, so that I knew I had people to walk home with. There were seven of us, and I told them what had happened, and since Jennifer lives right across the park from me, she walked with me most of the way. It made me feel a lot safer. This morning, I ran into her again and she invited me to breakfast with her and a couple of her friends. A lot of positive connections came out of a relatively negative event, but I’m still feeling a bit shaken and angry, despite being in no real physical danger (at least not in the short term), and knowing who my allies are.

Looking back on last night, I’m realizing two things. First, I saw it coming. I even had an idea that it was going to be someone in that group of people, an hour in advance.

Second, it makes me really happy to know that I have that many people who’d stand up for me. It made me feel pretty safe, even though I had a total asshole to me in the room.

Up until two and a half hours ago, I was the only queer person I knew who had never been verbally or physically threatened.

I was at the bar — there were maybe 20 friends there, but it’s still not a social environment I feel at home in. Halfway through the evening, a man whose name I should remember but can’t came up to me and loudly demanded “Are you a boy or a girl?” … after a few moments of me saying “I’m kindof in the middle, aren’t I?”, he said “You fucking cocksucker. I should kick your ass.” and he tried to get two other beefy looking guys to back him up. I just kinda smiled and shrugged at the other two guys, and they didn’t even say anything.

I was really flattered that Aubrey, Jennifer, Rob, and Samantha all stood up for me right afterward, after they heard what was going on. I learned a lot about who my allies are here: Rob said “What you’re doing is really bold, especially here in Ridgway. I admire you, er,… man?”

I’m not unhappy about tonight. I’m angry that shit like this happens, but I’m not upset with how things went down. I’m glad I know how to stay safe. I’m glad that me at my drunkest is way more alert than most people when sober. I’m glad I know who my allies are, and I’m glad I have no idea that I just need to beat down the people who talk trash at me.

Good night.

I’ve spent a lot of this week being angry. I’m pretty okay with this, too, really. It’s a lot of shitty things, most of which is a bunch of angry customers and a fiber optic circuit which I don’t own, that affects my business, being up and down for far too long. I feel cut off from my normal modes of communication, and just angry that what I intend to do is thwarted.

I’m angry at the government for laws they’re enacting.

I’m angry at the world for being shitty to people I care about.

But today’s actually been okay. The fiber optic circuit isn’t fixed, but it’s less flakey right now. The customers weren’t terrible, just bad. I hung out and talked to people at the café by my office for a bit and had dinner. I talked to jimmysbrkndrms and jwitchbaby tonight on the phone, which made me feel far more at ease with the world.

It’s gorgeous here. It’s spring.

anandabrat is showing up soon. I’m excited.

I wore rainbow socks today. They make my world a little brighter.

01. Who are you? 02. Are we friends? 03. When and how did we meet? 04. Do/Did you have a crush on me? 05. Would you kiss me? 06. Describe me in one word. 07. What was your first impression? 08. Do you still think that way about me now? 09. What reminds you of me? 10. If you could give me anything what would it be? 11. How well do you know me? 12. When’s the last time you saw me? 13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t? 14. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

Thanks, lightwalker

You left, I don’t know if you knew what you were doing or just not satisfied as things lay But you ran away, starting what led to your dying day. and you thought it was just you that was hurting, but the ones you left behind got the most. If you had known what you had really done, would you have hurt the ones you loved most?

I just got copies of Flight, both volumes 1 and 2 in the mail.

One of the stories already made my breath catch. The subtlety in these is amazing.

Last night was bizarre in a really good for me sort of way. I’ve avoided the bar in town for various reasons my whole life here. I’d never been in until last night. They just relocated to a slightly less “cowboy” location, which works fine for me. The occasion was a sending off party for one of the employees of the restaurant across the courtyard from my office. I know all her coworkers, too, and eat there a lot, so everyone going last night was known and friendly. hellion0 went too, since she’s washing dishes for the restaurant, and knows people too.

I have been drunk enough to even feel tipsy only a handful of times, and drunker still only twice. Thrice, now, I guess. That’s enough to make one’s evening somewhat surreal, too.

What was really bizarre was that as the night went on and people got drunker, a guy went around the bar hugging all the girls, me included. He was kind of creepy, but that I got lumped in with the rest of the girls was happy. One of the girls in the crowd started flirting and looking confusedly at me (she’s known me, distantly) and at hellion0. She said “Wait, you used to be the computer geek, and now … you’ve .. got … boobies?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond any more than my usual just being me, and not caring so much how people perceive me at any moment.

Also, Tanqueray and Tonic is a small god in my universe.

Most bizarre moment in a long while. Ask me in the morning what I remember.

I’m going out tonight. Slightly uncomfortable at the idea, since it’s a bar-bar-bar, not just a bar-bar in a restaurant bar. And a kinda rough place sometimes by all accounts. But … it’s for someone I know’s going away party, and some friend/acquaintances will be there, so it’s not all alone…

I got my Zoom 5510 DSL modem today. I’m testing cheap equipment for DSL connections, since cost is a big issue to some of my customers. I’m happy to say it does indeed work on linux with decent support, though the firmware was a little hard to find.

I’m looking forward to playing with the non-PPP parts of the ATM stack to see if this could solve the expensive problem of terminating VoIP reliably. With a willing telco interconnect, and ATM as far as the home over DSL, I can see it being very attractive.

Michael Masley has my full auditory attention at the moment. How often do you run into free access and cheap purchase of albums by a hammered dulcimer player who’s recorded with Garbage?

It’s refreshing to me how much nicer it is to have being out be a state of being, rather than an event.

Reconnecting with lovers somewhat coincidentally after having a week of remembering just why you loved them is among the best feelings.

I went over to my parents, and we ate lunch for a few minutes, then we started talking. My dad started with essentially “Spill.” and I said “You got my letter? Well then. I’m happy this way. The end.”

Dad responded with what he thought, which is that it’s no different than someone whose self-identity is that they’re an amputee, and they freeze their legs and get ‘em cut off, and that I’m not different than Michael Jackson (Hitler comparison anyone? Pick someone people get emotional reactions from to compare to…) “He should have found psychological help therapy to cope with that he’s actually black”, Dad said.

I see the overt comparisons. I know why he’s comparing to those extremes. It comes down to that my parents believe that what’s “Natural” is better, usually. So that I’d “take drugs” to alter myself is unthinkable, like someone cutting off their legs is unthinkable to them.

I can now respond that “I think that’s okay, as long as they’re not hurting others with their identity. If it makes them happy, more diversity is fine with me. Odd as those choices are.

Then dad started ragging on hellion0, calling her by her birthname and I walked out and slammed the door, trying to get the message across that that was not an okay thing. Without some basic respect and attempt at understanding, no conversation is going to happen. I realized that I forgot my camera, stormed in, grabbed it, and slammed the door again.

Mom came over to my office right afterward. I gave about 8 minutes to let things cool, and was going to call their house and say “Want to try again, without the blatant disrespect and without the door slamming this time?”, but she came in as I was dialing so I bailed. We ended up talking for two and a half hours.

We talked about choosing identities versus things that are inborn, and how hard it is to tell which is which. And that I deeply believe that people should be able to choose their identities, and that she believes that whatever’s natural is “better”. We can at least identify the beliefs that make us disagree, and we understood each other a lot. She’s not ready to accept, but at least she sees some of what I see.

She asked me about “my culture”, and I told her about my friends — ftmichael, ganimede, klibs, elliotpp, apollotiger, raijna, and rising-dawn and why they’re all special to me. That I don’t think we’re enough people to form a “transgender culture” or even ourselves a queer culture, just a group of friends, and I explained that, and what I do get from everyone. Why their insight and diverse experience is so valuable to me. I think we ended up closer again. By the end of it, I was close and comfortable enough to at least jokingly ask if she’d pick me up a bigger bra when she goes to the city next. I don’t expect she’s that comfortable yet, but at least it’s out in the open.

I wish my dad had made more of an effort to communicate well, but I think it’ll take time.